Clean Humor
Family-friendly jokes and content
52 posts
Illinois Finally Tackles the Big Issues by Naming the Italian Beef the Official State Sandwich
In a world where politicians usually spend their time arguing about budgets, infrastructure, or whose turn it is to buy the office donuts, the Illinois House of Representatives has finally decided to tackle the single most important issue facing the Great Lakes region: exactly how much gravy is too much gravy? A new bill is currently sizzling its way towa…
LAPD Officer Proves Disability Leave Is No Obstacle to Jumping Out of a Plane
We have all been there. You wake up with a "crick" in your neck so severe that the mere thought of sitting at a desk feels like a human rights violation. You call in sick, wrap yourself in a duvet, and prepare for a grueling day of daytime television and ginger ale. However, one Los Angeles Police Department officer decided to take the concept of a recove…
New Study Confirms Your Great-Great-Grandmother Had a Major Thing for Neanderthals
It turns out that your family tree might be a little more "heavy browed" than you previously suspected. A new scientific study suggests that when it came to prehistoric romance, the most common pairing was a male Neanderthal and a female Homo sapien. Yes, it seems our great, great, great, great grandmothers had a bit of a thing for the bad boys from the n…
East India Company Fails for Second Time in 400 Years Proving Not Even Global Tyranny Can Survive the Economy
It takes a special kind of talent to fail at the same job twice, especially when those failures are separated by a cool 167 years. The East India Company, the original corporate overlord that once owned half the planet and had its own private army, has officially called it quits again. Apparently, the second comeback tour went about as well as a reunion c…
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Chris Hansen Tells Roblox Creditors to Have a Seat in the Metaverse
Lock up your blocky avatars and hide your digital pizza, because Chris Hansen is officially entering the Metaverse. In a crossover event that absolutely nobody asked for but everyone secretly deserves, the man who spent the early 2000s making middle aged men weep over lemonade is turning his investigative gaze toward Roblox. Yes, the platform where your n…
7 Signs You’ve Officially Become the Human Version of a Terms and Conditions Page
Have you ever had one of those moments where you realize you are essentially a ghost in your own home? Not the spooky, haunting-the-attic kind of ghost, but the "nobody noticed I’ve been holding this heavy box for twenty minutes" kind of ghost. It’s that exquisite societal phenomenon where people treat your existence like the "Terms and Conditions" page o…
The Competitive Vegetable Garden
The local fencing club had to disband after the coach realized they weren't actually training athletes...
The Asparagus Career Path
I tried to get a job at the vegetable warehouse, but they let me go because I couldn't keep my stalks in line.
3 AM at the Diner: A Guide to Having a Full Existential Crisis Over Side-Order Hash Browns
There is a specific brand of silence that only exists in a 2:00 AM diner. It’s a thick, syrupy quiet, occasionally punctuated by the sound of a distant dishwasher dropping a ceramic plate and the soft, rhythmic "thwack" of a waitress’s gum. It was in this exact atmosphere, surrounded by the smell of burnt coffee and questionable upholstery, that my friend…
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