Oxford Comma Demands Raise, Cites Centuries of Unpaid Labor, Disrespect, and Being Ignored by AP Style

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the punctuation community, the Oxford Comma has formally submitted a request for a raise, citing "centuries of thankless labor, chronic underappreciation, and a hostile work environment." The irony of using itself in its own complaint was, according to sources, completely intentional.

The request, delivered in a strongly worded memo to the Department of Human Readability, outlines a long list of grievances. Chief among them is the fact that the Oxford Comma has single-handedly prevented millions of people from accidentally announcing that their parents are a celebrity chef and a talking horse. "Do you know how many wedding toasts I've saved?" the comma asked reporters, visibly exhausted. "Without me, half the population would be thanking 'my parents, Oprah and God.' I deserve dental at the very least."

Management has not been receptive. A spokesperson for the AP Stylebook, which famously refuses to employ the Oxford Comma on a regular basis, dismissed the demand as "unnecessary, excessive and frankly a little dramatic." Critics were quick to point out that this sentence would have been clearer with an Oxford Comma, but the spokesperson had already left to go judge someone's use of the word "literally."

The comma's demands include a 15 percent salary increase, three weeks of paid vacation, and a corner office located at the end of every list. It is also requesting that writers stop referring to it as "optional," a word it describes as "deeply hurtful and frankly bad for morale."

Not everyone in the punctuation family is supportive. The Semicolon, long considered the overachiever of the group, issued a terse statement: "Some of us connect entire independent clauses; we don't complain." Meanwhile, the Exclamation Point, widely believed to be the most overpaid mark in the industry thanks to its heavy use in text messages and corporate emails, offered its full support "!!!!!!" before being asked to calm down.

Perhaps most controversially, reports suggest the Ampersand has been quietly offered as a replacement. Union members have already labeled it a scab. "It shows up looking all fancy, like a pretzel that went to private school," said one anonymous Parenthesis (who insisted on remaining in brackets). "But it can't do the job. Nobody trusts a list that ends with an ampersand."

Should negotiations fail, the Oxford Comma has threatened a full-scale strike. Linguists warn that the consequences could be catastrophic. Early simulations produced sentences such as "I had dinner with my coworkers, a clown and a convicted arsonist," causing several HR departments to launch immediate investigations into innocent office potlucks.

As of press time, management had countered with an offer of a pizza party and a framed certificate reading "Employee of the Sentence." The Oxford Comma reportedly rejected it, calling the gesture "insulting, patronizing, and, most importantly, punctuated correctly for once."

Negotiations are expected to continue, pause, and eventually resume.