Local Frog Launches Motivational Career, Refuses to Acknowledge It Is a Frog

A LaughParty comic take.

A LaughParty comic take. Everything below is invented, including the frog's business plan.

Somewhere on the internet, a picture of a frog was posted with the caption 'motivative.' That's all we know. So naturally, we've imagined the frog's entire career as a life coach.

Meet Gerald, a small green amphibian who sits on a lily pad with the posture of someone about to sell you a seminar. Gerald does not blink often. Gerald does not need to. Gerald has looked into the pond and seen the future, and the future is mostly mosquitoes.

'Every morning I wake up and remind myself of one thing,' Gerald tells his audience, a group of tadpoles who are legally too young to have opinions. 'You are not stuck in the mud. You ARE the mud. Own it.' The tadpoles wiggle. Gerald counts this as a standing ovation.

His signature workshop, 'Unlock Your Inner Leap,' runs about four seconds, which Gerald insists is the ideal length for a life-changing breakthrough. 'Attention spans are shrinking,' he explains. 'Also, a heron just showed up, so class is over.'

Gerald's philosophy is simple. He believes most problems can be solved by sitting extremely still until they go away. He calls this 'strategic patience.' His critics, mainly a duck named Brenda, call it 'just sitting there.' Gerald says Brenda is projecting.

He also offers one-on-one coaching. Clients report that sessions mostly involve Gerald staring at them with total, unwavering intensity until they admit what they really want out of life. One beetle reportedly confessed he'd always dreamed of opening a bakery. Gerald then ate him, which Gerald describes as 'a complicated chapter in my professional growth' and which we describe as a serious violation of client trust.

Gerald's motivational posters now hang throughout the pond. Highlights include:

'If the fly doesn't come to you, stick your tongue out farther.'

'Croak like nobody's listening. Because honestly, at 3 a.m., nobody wants to be.'

'You were a tadpole once. Look at you now. Legs. LEGS.'

That last one has become a cult favorite among the younger crowd, who are currently in the awkward half-tail, half-leg phase and need all the encouragement they can get.

Asked about his own origin story, Gerald gets emotional. 'People see the confidence. The glistening skin. The throat that inflates like a tiny balloon of ambition. They don't see the years I spent as a speck of jelly in a clump of other specks of jelly, wondering if I'd ever matter.'

Gerald plans to write a memoir. It will be titled 'Ribbiting Success,' a pun our editors begged him to drop. He will not drop it. He is a frog, and frogs do not back down from anything except loud noises, sudden shadows and most other things.

Still, there is something inspiring about Gerald. He's small, damp and deeply unqualified, yet he shows up every day with the energy of someone who truly believes in you. Honestly, that's more than most alarm clocks can say.

So go out there today. Sit still when you need to. Leap when it counts. And if anybody calls you just a frog on a lily pad, remind them it's actually a motivational platform.

Inspired by Motivative frog.