Local Man's Tongue Files Formal Complaint After Gruyère Ice Cream Turns Out to Be Delicious

A LaughParty comic take.

A LaughParty comic take. Everything below is invented for entertainment, and no actual taste buds were harmed.

In a turn of events that has shaken the dessert world to its waffle-cone foundations, a fictional man named Derek ordered a scoop of Gruyère cheese ice cream as a joke and was then personally betrayed when it tasted good.

"I was ready to make a face," Derek said, still holding the empty cup like an old photo of someone who moved away. "I had the face loaded. My eyebrows were stretched and warmed up. And then my mouth went, 'Actually, hold on.'"

According to sources close to his tongue, the organ immediately filed a formal complaint with his brain, citing "emotional whiplash" and "a total breakdown in the agreed-upon rules of snacks." The brain has not responded, as it is still trying to decide whether this counts as dinner.

The ice cream shop, a made-up establishment called The Curious Scoop, says the flavor was invented during a late-night brainstorm when an employee knocked a wedge of cheese into the dairy mixer and everyone decided that was a plan. "We've also got Brie Vanilla Swirl and a limited-run Cheddar Sorbet," said the owner, who requested to be identified only as "the person who should probably be stopped."

Nutritionists we imagined for this article were divided. "Technically it's dairy plus dairy," one explained. "So it's either twice as wholesome or a calcium-based cry for help."

Derek's family has reacted with the cautious concern usually reserved for someone who has just announced they enjoy running. His sister asked whether he was "okay." His mother asked whether he had "tried it with crackers," which only made things worse, because now he wants to.

Meanwhile, the rest of the freezer aisle is panicking. Chocolate has called an emergency meeting. Strawberry is pretending this has nothing to do with it. Mint chip, long used to being the controversial one, is quietly relieved that the spotlight has moved on.

"Nobody asked for this," said Rocky Road, gesturing at its own marshmallows, almonds and chocolate chunks, apparently missing the irony.

Experts we made up warn that Gruyère ice cream may be a gateway dessert. First comes cheese ice cream. Then you're putting honey on everything, saying words like "nutty finish" out loud, and owning a tiny knife whose only job is cheese. Within six weeks you're hosting "tasting nights" for friends who only came because you promised snacks.

As of press time, Derek had returned to the shop for a second scoop, which he described as "for science." Witnesses report he also asked whether they could put it in a grilled cheese, at which point the employee slowly backed away and called the owner, who said, "Write that down."

The tongue's complaint is still pending. Insiders expect it to be dropped by Thursday, when the shop launches Parmesan Fudge Ripple.

Inspired by Just had gruyere cheese ice cream…pretty good actually 💀.