Tuxedoed Bird Steals Bodyboard, Claims He Was Born for This

A LaughParty comic take.

A LaughParty comic take: the events below are invented for fun, loosely inspired by a real video of an African penguin hitching a ride on a bodyboard. No actual penguins were interviewed, mostly because they kept walking away.

Beachgoers were reportedly stunned this week when a small African penguin, roughly the size of a bowling pin in formal wear, waddled onto an unattended bodyboard and announced, through a series of confident honks, that he was now a professional surfer.

Witnesses say the penguin, whom our fictional reporters have nicknamed Kevin because he simply looks like a Kevin, did not check the tide charts, wax the board, or ask permission. He hopped aboard with the swagger of a toddler who has just discovered the word mine.

His first wave was, by all imaginary accounts, magnificent. Kevin rode it for a full four seconds, which experts estimate is roughly forty percent of his attention span. He did not stand up, because penguins are already standing at all times and saw no reason to make a fuss about it.

The board's owner, a sunburned vacationer who had stepped away to buy a lemonade, returned to find his equipment occupied. Our made-up sources say he briefly considered asking for it back before realizing he would be negotiating with a bird who looks permanently dressed for a wedding. He decided the penguin had earned it.

Within minutes, Kevin had attracted a crowd. Children cheered. Seagulls watched with visible jealousy. A nearby surf instructor quietly updated his business cards to read Second-Best Surfer on This Beach.

By late afternoon, Kevin had reportedly received several pretend sponsorship offers, including a deal with a sardine company, a sunglasses brand that could not figure out where to put the sunglasses, and a motivational poster company hoping to print his photo above the phrase Just Hop On.

Marine biologists, had we asked any, would likely point out that African penguins are excellent swimmers and probably found the bodyboard to be a pleasantly lazy way to travel. In other words, Kevin is not a daredevil. He is simply a commuter who found a free bus.

When asked about his future plans, Kevin flapped once, sneezed, and dove into the ocean, leaving the board bobbing gently behind him. Some interpreted this as a retirement announcement. Others believe he was merely going to get a snack.

Either way, the beach has been forever changed. Tourists now leave their bodyboards out on purpose, hoping for a feathered visitor. The lemonade stand has added a drink called The Kevin, which is just a cup of cold seawater with a fish-shaped cracker on top. Sales are reportedly terrible, but morale is high.

The lesson, as always, is clear: if you see an opportunity floating right in front of you, hop on. Just maybe return it before the owner gets back with his lemonade.

Inspired by A curious African penguin hopped aboard a bodyboard and caught a few waves..