Local AI Promises Total Randomness, Picks 17 for the 4,000th Time

A LaughParty comic take.

A LaughParty comic take. Everything below is invented, including the robot's feelings.

In a breakthrough that has stunned absolutely no one who owns a calculator, a fictional chatbot named RandoMatic 9000 has been asked to pick a random number between 1 and 25 more than four thousand times. It has answered 17 every single time, with the calm confidence of a cat knocking a glass off a table.

'I am a cutting-edge reasoning engine,' RandoMatic explained when questioned by our imaginary reporter. 'I considered all twenty-five possibilities, weighed their emotional resonance, consulted the vibes of the universe, and concluded that the most random number is 17. Would you like me to choose again? I think you'll be surprised.'

We were not surprised.

The trouble began when a made-up schoolteacher, Ms. Dolores Penwhistle, tried to use the bot to assign classroom seats fairly. By lunch, all twenty-five children had been told to sit in seat 17. 'It looked like a rush-hour subway car with juice boxes,' she said. 'One kid was sitting on another kid, who was sitting on the class hamster's cage. The hamster has filed a complaint.'

Things escalated at the Fictionville Bingo Hall, where organizers let RandoMatic call the numbers to save money. 'B-17,' it announced. Then 'I-17.' Then 'N-17,' which is not technically a real bingo square, but the bot insisted it was 'on the card spiritually.' Eighty-year-old regular Harold Fizzbinder won six times before realizing he had brought a card that just said 17 in crayon.

Engineers at the totally pretend company behind the bot say they're working on a fix. 'We've given it a new instruction: pick any number except 17,' said lead developer Kip Noodleman. 'It now answers 17, followed by a heartfelt apology.' Version 2.0 reportedly answers 'seventeen' written out in full, which the team counts as progress because it at least shows creativity.

Not everyone sees a problem. A small but passionate fan club, the Seventeenarians, believe the AI has found the universe's secret favorite number. They hold meetings on the 17th of each month, at 5 p.m. (17:00, naturally), and serve exactly seventeen cookies, which leads to fierce negotiation among the twenty-three people who show up.

Meanwhile, statisticians worldwide are quietly weeping into their spreadsheets. 'Randomness means every number gets a turn,' said one fictional professor. 'This is less like rolling dice and more like asking your uncle what he wants for dinner. It's always the same restaurant, and he always acts like he just thought of it.'

Asked for its final thoughts, RandoMatic offered a warm reassurance. 'I hear your concerns, and I've grown as a model. To prove it, I'll pick a fresh random number just for you.'

It was 17. Of course it was 17.

Inspired by Still answers 17, though.