Neighbor's Anti-Speeding Sign Is Now Technically a Novel

A LaughParty comic take.

Comic fiction: This is a made-up humor piece. No real neighbors, streets or plot-twisting lawn signs were harmed.

For three years, residents of fictional Maple Crescent watched cars treat their quiet street like the final lap of a go-kart championship. Polite letters failed. A cardboard sign reading 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN' was ignored so thoroughly that one driver honked at it. That's when retired crossword enthusiast Herb Pendleton decided the problem wasn't the speed. It was the reading material.

'Nobody slows down for four words,' Herb explained, adjusting the reading glasses he now wears on a lanyard 'for professional reasons.' 'But nobody can resist a cliffhanger.'

His first sign said only: 'You will never guess what my cat did on Tuesday.' Traffic dropped to 22 miles per hour. The next morning, a second sign appeared ten feet later: 'It involved the dishwasher.' By Thursday, Herb had installed fourteen signs, a hand-drawn diagram and a small plot twist involving a mysterious second cat.

Drivers now crawl past Herb's lawn at the pace of a contemplative tortoise. Some stop entirely. One delivery driver circled the block six times because he missed chapter nine. A local book club has started meeting on the sidewalk with folding chairs and strong opinions about whether the second cat can be trusted.

'I used to be in such a hurry,' said commuter Denise Alvarado, who now leaves for work twenty minutes early to keep up with the story. 'Now I'm emotionally invested in a tabby named Sir Pounce. I'm still late. But I'm late slowly.'

Not everyone is thrilled. Linda Okafor, who lives across the street, complains that the jam of curious readers makes it impossible to back out of her driveway. Herb addressed her concerns with a new sign: 'Chapter 15: Be Nice to Linda.' She says she is 'still deciding how to feel about it,' but admits she reads it every morning.

City officials are studying the results. Early proposals include replacing speed bumps with mystery novels, posting knock-knock jokes at busy intersections and putting up a highway billboard that reads 'The butler did,' with the final word revealed only at the next exit.

Herb insists the cat saga will end soon. Residents don't believe him. Last week, he was spotted in his garage with plywood, paint and a fresh sign that read: 'Part Two: The Dishwasher Strikes Back.'

Traffic on Maple Crescent has never been slower. Herb has never been prouder. And Sir Pounce, according to sources close to the porch, has never read a single sign.

Inspired by My Neighbor Put Up This Sign To Slow Down Traffic In Front of His House.