Local Man Discovers Neighbour's WiFi Has Its Own Zip Code

A LaughParty comic take.

LaughParty Comic Fiction: The following is a made-up humor piece. Any resemblance to your actual neighbours' internet is purely coincidental and probably a sign you should upgrade.

For three glorious years, Dave Pembleton believed he was living in the digital future. His home WiFi had four bars. Four! He named it "Pembleton Palace" and spoke about it the way other men speak about vintage cars. Guests were told the password as if it were a family heirloom. "Treat it with respect," he would whisper. "It streams in HD most evenings."

Then, last Tuesday, Dave's phone briefly lost connection while he stood in the back garden. Curious, he opened his network list. That was when he saw it.

"MaxwellFamily_ULTRA_6000."

It had five bars. Dave didn't know phones could display five bars. He checked his settings to see whether he had accidentally installed a premium edition of reality.

Beneath it, as if to rub salt in the ethernet cable, were more networks, all apparently from the same house: "Maxwell_Guest," "Maxwell_Garage," "Maxwell_Dog," and "Maxwell_Toaster_5G." The toaster, Dave noted bitterly, had a stronger signal than his laptop sitting on his own kitchen table.

"I felt like a man who proudly bakes a cupcake and then sees his neighbour's seven-tier wedding cake roll by on a parade float," Dave said, staring into the middle distance.

Things escalated quickly. Dave moved his router to the top of the bookshelf. Then the top of the fridge. Then the top of a stepladder balanced on the fridge. His wife, Linda, came home to find him wrapping the antennas in tinfoil while softly chanting, "Believe in yourself."

His speed test results improved from "sluggish" to "mildly determined."

Meanwhile, the Maxwell household seemed blissfully unaware of the digital arms race. Dave watched through the fence as Mrs. Maxwell casually video-called someone in what appeared to be flawless 4K while also watering tomatoes. At one point, their teenage son was playing an online game, downloading a movie, and running what Dave suspected was a small weather satellite, all without a single buffering wheel.

Finally, swallowing his pride, Dave knocked on their door to ask their secret.

Mr. Maxwell smiled kindly. "Oh, we just called the provider and asked for the normal plan."

"The normal plan?" Dave repeated.

"Yeah. Your router's from 2009, isn't it? It's got a sticker that says 'Now With Internet!'"

Dave walked home in silence.

At press time, he had ordered a new router, renamed his network "Pembleton Palace: Under Renovation," and was reportedly drafting a strongly worded but ultimately unsent letter to the Maxwell Toaster.

Linda, for her part, has quietly connected her phone to "Maxwell_Guest." The password, she says, was on a friendly note taped to their mailbox. It read: "Welcome, neighbours!"

Dave has not been told.

Inspired by I thought our WiFi was good until I saw the neighbours....