10 Things to Do in a Hospital Waiting Room That Are Less Depressing Than Thinking About Death

We have all been there. You are sitting in a sterile hospital waiting room, the smell of industrial grade floor wax is assaulting your nostrils, and you are waiting for a medical professional to give you the news. Your heart is pounding, your palms are sweaty, and you are desperately hoping for a sign that everything is going to be okay. Usually, this is the moment where you reflect on the fragility of life or promise the universe you will start eating kale if your loved one survives. But for one local legend, the primary concern was not the state of the patient's coronary arteries, but rather the state of their own motor vehicle operator privileges.

The scene unfolded like a high stakes medical drama, minus the attractive actors and the romantic tension in the elevator. A doctor emerged from the double doors, looking weary and carrying the heavy burden of medical reality. He approached a young man who was pacing the linoleum. The news was grim. According to the physician, the patient had suffered a massive heart attack and sustained several bone fractures. It was the kind of diagnosis that usually prompts a flood of tears or a panicked phone call to an insurance agent.

The young man, however, remained laser focused on a singular objective. He asked if he could speak to the patient. The doctor, using his best bedside manner, explained that communication was currently impossible due to the whole being unconscious and fighting for his life thing. However, in a gesture of extreme professional courtesy, the doctor offered to relay a message should the patient regain a sliver of awareness.

This was the moment. The chance to say I love you. The chance to say please don't leave us. The chance to ask where the secret stash of emergency cash is hidden behind the loose brick in the garage. Instead, the young man leaned in with the intensity of a person waiting for a lottery drawing and asked the doctor a question that will live in the annals of selfishness forever: Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?

Let us take a moment to appreciate the sheer, unadulterated audacity of this request. Imagine being the doctor. You have spent twelve years in school, hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition, and countless hours staring at X-rays, only to be used as a human carrier pigeon for the Department of Motor Vehicles. You are trying to restart a human heart, and this kid just wants to know if he successfully navigated a three point turn without hitting a curb.

There is a certain kind of practical madness to it. If the driving instructor is currently in the ICU, the results of the test are technically in limbo. Does a heart attack mid exam constitute an automatic pass? Does the test end the moment the ambulance arrives, or does the student get extra points for successfully calling 911 while parallel parking? These are the legal questions that keep teenagers awake at night. We can only hope the instructor wakes up long enough to deliver the verdict, if only so this young man can finally drive himself to a therapist to discuss his priorities.