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Local Politician Solves Doctor Shortage Using Phone That Has Never Worked in This Town
Residents of the sleepy town of Little Wumble gathered yesterday to witness what historians are already calling "the most confident phone call ever made to absolutely nobody." It began when a representative strode into the town square with the posture of a man who has been told he has great hair and believed it. "Citizen!" he boomed at a startled local ho…
Car Boss Promises to Stop Leaving Keys in the Ignition, Which Is Apparently a Thing You Have to Say Out Loud
The head of a famously expensive car company has pledged to stop leaving the keys in his own car, a promise that experts describe as 'the bare minimum' and that his friends describe as 'finally.' The vow came after his two-million-pound machine was borrowed, without paperwork or goodbyes, by a stranger who had spotted the most tempting thing in motoring:…
Chicago Crowd Politely Asks Giant Bean to Scooch Over Seven Inches
Witnesses say it started the way all great civic movements start: with one guy squinting at a enormous metal legume and saying, "Something about that feels off." Within minutes, a crowd had gathered around the shiny sculpture, united by a single dream. They wanted the Bean moved seven inches to the left. Not six. Not eight. Seven. When asked why, a man in…
Local Dad Declares Lettuce 'Iceberg' Means Freezer, Calls It Science
A household was thrown into chaos this week when a father who has not knowingly eaten a vegetable since the Clinton administration discovered a head of lettuce in the fridge and made an executive decision: it belonged in the freezer. His reasoning, delivered with the calm of a man who has never lost an argument in his own mind, was simple. "It's iceberg l…
Local Man Discovers Single Banana Has Developed Luxury Lifestyle, Personal Brand
Dennis Pruitt walked into the Fairmeadow Market on Tuesday expecting a quick, dignified errand: one banana, for a snack, to eat in a car. He walked out forty minutes later holding a receipt the length of a bedsheet and a new respect for tropical fruit. It started innocently. Dennis spotted a lone banana in a basket near the register, glowing under a tiny…
Man Fires Eleven Streaming Services, Hires Elderly Laptop Named Gerald
Local household manager Dennis Pruitt-Okafor announced this week that he has freed himself from monthly subscriptions. His new entertainment empire runs on a decade-old laptop with a fan that sounds like a tiny hairdryer arguing with a kazoo. The trouble began when Dennis opened his banking app and found a column of small recurring charges, each one a dif…
Tourist Spends Entire Italian Vacation Rescuing People From Ham, Wolves and Cats Denied Tripe
Dennis arrived in Italy with a phrasebook, a sun hat the size of a patio umbrella, and the unshakable belief that he was fluent after two weeks of a language app. By lunchtime on day one, he had already prevented three emergencies. None of them were real. It began at a café, when a waiter told a colleague that a customer had "ham slices over his eyes." De…
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Local Preschooler Achieves Personal Best in Pork-Based Arithmetic (A Comic Take)
A LaughParty comic take. Comic take, not a news report: everything below is invented for fun. The family, the pig-related incidents, and the math professor are all fictional. In a kitchen that exists only in our imagination, a four-year-old named Juniper declared that lunch would be breakfast. Her parents, who had long ago learned that arguing with a pres…
Local Husband Given Halloween Budget, Boundless Trust, and Eleven Inflatable Spiders
A LaughParty comic take. Comic fiction alert: this is a made-up humor piece inspired by a general theme. The people, the house, and the spiders are all invented. In a fictional suburb called Pumpkinshire Heights, a man named Gary (not a real Gary, just a Gary-shaped idea) was handed one sacred task: decorate the house for Halloween. His wife, Denise, said…
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Adults Trick-or-Treating: A Comic Take on the Great Candy Standoff
A LaughParty comic take. Comic fiction alert: Everything below is invented for laughs. No real people, neighborhoods, or fun-sized chocolate bars were harmed. Somewhere in the imaginary town of Gumdrop Heights, a historic Halloween showdown is unfolding. On one side: children, armed with pillowcases and boundless optimism. On the other: adults, armed with…
Comic Fiction: Orange Cone Crosses Road, Local Drivers Remain Committed to Ignoring Everything
A LaughParty comic take. Note: This is a work of comic fiction and not a news report. All people, places, and cones are invented for fun. In the made-up town of Pumpkinford Heights, Officer Dale Winklebottom had a bold idea: if drivers wouldn't respect a crosswalk sign, maybe they'd respect a giant orange cone with legs. He had a plan. He'd put on a foam…
Local Gourd Artist Loses Pumpkin Contest, Gains Unshakable Sense of Injustice
A LaughParty comic take. A LaughParty comic take. Everything below is invented, including the judges, the trophy, and the pumpkin's feelings. In the fictional town of Squashbury Falls, a man named Gerald Pithwick has spent the past 72 hours explaining to anyone within earshot that his jack-o'-lantern was robbed. The mail carrier has heard it. The neighbor…
Retiree, 80, Launches One-Man Campaign Against Neighbor's Mud-Coated Hatchback
A LaughParty comic take. A LaughParty comic take: Everything below is invented for laughs. The people, the street and the alarming sticker strategy are all fictional. Residents of the imaginary cul-de-sac known as Maple Regret Lane were shaken this week when Delbert Fenwick, an 80-year-old retiree who irons his gardening gloves, crossed the street holding…
Local Pond Opens Driving School, Immediately Regrets Offering Parallel Parking
A LaughParty comic take. Comic fiction: The following is an entirely made-up, satirical take. No real ducks, driving schools or traffic departments were involved, though several bread crusts were emotionally invested. In the quiet town of Puddleford, residents were startled this week to discover a hand-painted sign at the edge of Mallard Pond reading: "QU…
Iron Pumpkin Gym Survives Halloween Leg Day, Mostly
A LaughParty comic take. Comic fiction: Every event below is invented, much like the workout plan you swore you'd start in September. Each October 31st, most of humanity celebrates with candy, costumes and questionable decorative skeletons. A small, determined group celebrates with leg day. At the entirely fictional Iron Pumpkin Fitness Center, staff brac…
Local Grandpa Sees City in Two Colors, Calls It "Best Day Out Since 1974"
A LaughParty comic take. A LaughParty comic take. Everything below is fiction, loosely inspired by a viral photo of a grandfather wearing 3D movie glasses as sunglasses. No real grandpas were interviewed, though several fictional ones insisted on it. It began, as most great expeditions do, with a grandson saying, "Grandpa, it's sunny, did you bring sungla…
Man Discovers the Halloween Candy Bowl Has a Bottom
A LaughParty comic take. A LaughParty comic take. The following is entirely fictional, and any resemblance to your own pantry is a coincidence your dentist will not find funny. In a quiet suburban kitchen, a husband we will call Gary is living a lie. The lie is shaped like a large orange plastic bowl with a cartoon pumpkin on the side. According to his wi…
My Robot Vacuum Has Discovered Comedy, and I Am Its Only Audience
A LaughParty comic take. A LaughParty comic take. Everything below is invented for laughs. No real robots, owners, or houseplants were harmed or consulted. When I bought a robot vacuum, the box promised "smart navigation" and "adaptive learning." I assumed that meant it would learn where the couch was. I did not expect it to learn timing. It started small…
Bear Skips the Bestsellers, Checks Out the Honey Instead
A LaughParty comic take. Comic fiction: This is a satirical take inspired by a headline about a bear, a library and a Winnie the Pooh celebration. Every character, quote and detail below is invented for laughs. Librarians in a fictional version of a mountain town are calling it the most on-theme heist in history. On the one day of the year dedicated to a…
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