Iron Pumpkin Gym Survives Halloween Leg Day, Mostly

A LaughParty comic take.

Comic fiction: Every event below is invented, much like the workout plan you swore you'd start in September.

Each October 31st, most of humanity celebrates with candy, costumes and questionable decorative skeletons. A small, determined group celebrates with leg day. At the entirely fictional Iron Pumpkin Fitness Center, staff braced for the usual crowd. They did not brace for the vampire on the rowing machine.

'He told me flying burns more calories than people think,' said the front desk attendant, who asked to be identified only as Kevin, because his name is Kevin. 'I offered him a towel. He said he doesn't sweat. He just looms more intensely.'

The vampire's routine hit a snag at the mirror wall. Without a reflection, he had no way to check his form, so he spent twenty minutes asking strangers whether his back looked straight. Several confirmed it looked 'very nocturnal.'

Meanwhile, a mummy attempted a personal record on the squat rack. Each rep loosened a few more bandages until his spotter was essentially rewrapping him between sets like a nervous gift-wrapper at a mall kiosk. The trainer on duty praised his commitment to core work, noting that it was, technically, wrapped around his core.

Over on the treadmills, a zombie set the speed to its lowest possible setting and shuffled for forty-five uninterrupted minutes. 'Shambling is low-impact,' he groaned, when asked. He then requested brains, clarified he meant the smoothie bar's walnut blend, and left a generous tip.

The 6 p.m. yoga class received an unexpected participant when a ghost in a bedsheet, unable to see through two slightly misaligned eyeholes, wandered in and collapsed onto a mat. The class assumed it was an advanced pose and copied it. The instructor has since added 'Haunted Child's Pose' to the official schedule.

Not every guest was welcomed with open arms. A witch was politely informed that her broom does not qualify as cardio equipment, no matter how many laps she did around the parking lot. She countered that it was the only machine in the building without a waitlist. Management is reviewing the policy.

The night's greatest test, however, sat at the front desk: a bowl of fun-size candy placed directly beside the protein bars. Members circled it like it was the final boss. One man in a superhero costume declared that his cape made him exempt from calories. Science has not yet weighed in.

By closing time, the gym reported zero injuries, three lost fangs and one cobweb that may or may not have been decorative. Staff swept up glitter, bandages and a surprising number of plastic spiders.

Still, Kevin insists Halloween isn't the scariest night of the year at Iron Pumpkin. 'That's January second,' he said, staring into the distance. 'When everyone with a resolution shows up at once. No costumes. Just pure terror at the squat rack.'

Inspired by Going to gym during Halloween.