Local Pond Opens Driving School, Immediately Regrets Offering Parallel Parking

A LaughParty comic take.

Comic fiction: The following is an entirely made-up, satirical take. No real ducks, driving schools or traffic departments were involved, though several bread crusts were emotionally invested.

In the quiet town of Puddleford, residents were startled this week to discover a hand-painted sign at the edge of Mallard Pond reading: "QUACK & ROLL DRIVING ACADEMY. Now Enrolling. No Thumbs Required."

The academy is run by Gerald, a middle-aged mallard who describes himself as "basically an expert, because I once sat in a parked golf cart for forty minutes." Gerald insists ducks have been ready to drive for years. "We already migrate thousands of miles without GPS," he said, adjusting a pair of tiny aviator sunglasses. "How hard can a roundabout be?"

Very hard, it turns out.

The first lesson took place in a toy car donated by a neighbor's kid. It ended when student driver Penelope saw her own reflection in the side mirror, assumed it was a rival duck and spent twenty minutes challenging it to a fight. The mirror won on points.

The second lesson went better, if you define "better" as "the car moved." Unable to reach the pedals, the ducklings formed a feathery pyramid: one on the gas, one on the brake and one on top yelling directions in a language that was entirely the word "quack" at different volumes. Instructors say the system worked well until the brake duck got distracted by a beetle.

Gerald has also had to rewrite the traditional driving handbook for his students. Key changes include:

Turn signals: Replaced with aggressive wing flapping. Drivers behind you will know you are turning left, or possibly that you have strong opinions about breadcrumbs.

Right of way: Goes to whoever is in a V formation. If two V formations meet at an intersection, everyone simply honks until it becomes a choir.

Road rage: Strictly forbidden, though hissing at geese is "culturally understandable."

Parallel parking: Removed from the curriculum after a student parked parallel to the pond, then in the pond, then declared the car a boat and refused to leave.

Local humans have mixed feelings. One jogger reported being politely waved across a crosswalk by a duck in a tiny toy sedan, which she called "the most courteous driving I've seen all year." Another resident complained that his driveway now hosts a nightly drag race between two ducklings and a very confused turtle, who keeps finishing third by about six hours.

Despite the setbacks, Gerald is optimistic. He plans to expand into highway driving, carpooling and, eventually, a delivery service called "Fowl Express," which promises to deliver your package within two days, or to Florida for the winter, depending on the season.

When asked whether ducks should really be driving at all, Gerald paused thoughtfully, stared into the distance and then wandered off to chase a floating sandwich.

Classes resume Monday. Helmets are mandatory. Bread is optional, but strongly encouraged.

Inspired by Who's teaching ducks to drive?.