Adults Trick-or-Treating: A Comic Take on the Great Candy Standoff

A LaughParty comic take.

Comic fiction alert: Everything below is invented for laughs. No real people, neighborhoods, or fun-sized chocolate bars were harmed.

Somewhere in the imaginary town of Gumdrop Heights, a historic Halloween showdown is unfolding. On one side: children, armed with pillowcases and boundless optimism. On the other: adults, armed with a store-bought cape and the confident belief that a mortgage should not disqualify you from a Snickers.

The kids have rules, and they are strict. Rule one: you must be shorter than the doorbell. Rule two: you must say "trick or treat" in a voice that suggests you have never paid a utility bill. Rule three: you must not ask whether the candy is "the good kind," because every kid knows there is only one answer, and it is "yes."

The adults, meanwhile, arrive with a very different strategy. One fictional man, Gary Fizzlewick, shows up dressed as "a guy who is also a ghost," which is just a bedsheet with a mild identity crisis. When a seven-year-old dressed as a dinosaur asks him what he is doing, Gary replies, "Networking." The dinosaur stares at him with the pure disappointment of a creature that survived an asteroid only to meet this.

Things get tense at the corner house, where Mrs. Pumpernickel, a made-up grandmother with an iron grip on the candy bowl, faces the ultimate dilemma. A tiny astronaut stands on her left. A six-foot-two pirate with a visible smartwatch stands on her right. "Arrr, I mean... trick or treat," says the pirate, who has clearly rehearsed this in the car.

She hands him a single raisin box. It is the candy equivalent of a firm handshake and a LinkedIn request.

Meanwhile, the kids develop a sophisticated trading economy in the street. A tiny wizard offers three lollipops for one peanut butter cup. A ladybug negotiates like a Wall Street veteran. "I will not take less than two chocolate bars," she says, adjusting her antennae. "My brother is dressed as a taco, and he is not helping."

Eventually, the adults propose a peace treaty. Under the Gumdrop Accords, grown-ups may participate in Halloween if they follow three conditions: wear a costume with real effort, bring candy to give out themselves, and never, under any circumstances, take the last full-size bar when a toddler dressed as a pumpkin is watching.

The kids consider this offer carefully. Then they counter: adults must also carry the kids' pillowcases when they get tired, and must pretend not to notice when someone trades away every single piece of candy except the one with a tiny toy inside.

Everyone shakes on it. The pirate gets a real chocolate bar. Gary the ghost gets a high five from the dinosaur. And Mrs. Pumpernickel quietly refills her bowl, whispering the oldest truth of Halloween: nobody is ever too old for candy, but everybody is always too old for the raisin box.

Inspired by Trick or Treat: Adults vs. Kids.