Local Politician Solves Doctor Shortage Using Phone That Has Never Worked in This Town

Residents of the sleepy town of Little Wumble gathered yesterday to witness what historians are already calling "the most confident phone call ever made to absolutely nobody."

It began when a representative strode into the town square with the posture of a man who has been told he has great hair and believed it. "Citizen!" he boomed at a startled local holding a bag of lemons. "I am here to get things done! Tell me your problems, and I shall fix them with the power of my own two lungs!"

The local, a patient soul named Gerald who had been hoping to buy cheese, sighed and began. "Well, we have a clinic, but no doctor. So it's basically a very clean room with a poster of a heart in it."

The representative gasped as if Gerald had just revealed a secret treasure map. In one smooth motion he whipped out his phone, jabbed a number, and began barking orders into it. "I need a doctor! Yes, a real one! With the coat! No, not a doctor of philosophy, I need one who can look at a throat!" He paced. He gestured. He pointed dramatically at a pigeon for emphasis. The pigeon, to its credit, did not flinch.

After exactly one minute, he hung up and turned around, beaming like a lighthouse that had just learned to smile. "Done! Your doctor arrives tomorrow. Now, problem number two?"

Gerald shifted his lemons. "The phone mast is down. There's no signal anywhere in town."

A silence fell over the square. Somewhere, a tumbleweed checked its own schedule and decided to stay home.

The representative looked at his phone. He looked at Gerald. He looked at the phone again, as if it had been caught lying at a dinner party. "Anywhere?" he whispered.

"Anywhere," said Gerald. "Since last Tuesday. Brenda has been communicating with her sister by shouting from the roof."

The representative's grin began to wobble, like a jelly on a washing machine. He slowly raised the phone to his ear one more time, in the hopeful way a person checks an empty fridge for a third time. "Hello?" he said gently. "Hello, doctor? Are you there? Please say something encouraging."

The only reply was the wind and the faint sound of Brenda yelling about a casserole from a nearby rooftop.

Witnesses say the representative then did what any great leader would do in a crisis: he climbed onto the fountain, held his phone high above his head, and began slowly rotating like a human satellite dish. "Can anyone hear me?" he cried. "I'm trying to get a doctor!"

At press time, the town had gathered around him in a supportive circle, offering snacks and tips on where the signal used to be strongest. Gerald was last seen handing him a lemon, saying, "Here. For morale."

The clinic remains open, empty, and extremely well dusted. The doctor, if he exists, is reportedly still on hold.

Inspired by A local in a small town is approached by a politician.