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The Parrot Learned the Microwave
My parrot has perfected the microwave beep so well that I now wander into the kitchen at 2 a.m.
The Cart With a Different Life Plan
Every grocery cart I choose has three wheels heading to produce and one wheel heading to a new life.
One Percent Battery Changes a Person
The moment my phone hits one percent, I become someone who would knock on a stranger's door.
Tom, Please Stop Texting the Weather Guy
My uncle Tom emails the local meteorologist every time it rains and says, 'You said sunny.'
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The Time Capsule Under the Floorboards
We found a time capsule under our new floors with a note: 'Dear future homeowner, we hope the world has solved its problems.'
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The Group Chat Reply Window
I typed a thoughtful response to the group chat, then watched six people discuss something else entirely for forty minutes.
Parallel Parking Personal Best
After fourteen minutes of parallel parking, I finally got the car into the space.
Cookie Constitution
My brother and I settled the last-cookie dispute fairly: one cuts, the other chooses.
The Lonely Scallop
The fancy restaurant served me one scallop on a plate the size of a hubcap, so I felt bad for it and asked for a second to keep it company.
Campaign Season at Home
My five-year-old is running for family president. Her platform is dessert first and optional bedtime.
My Laptop Has Seen Things
I finally opened my old laptop to clean it up and found 4,000 screenshots, 37 tabs of recipes, and one folder named 'Misc Final FINAL.'
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