Local Hero Completes Three Crunches, Declares Abs 'Basically Done'

A LaughParty comic take.

Comic fiction: The following is an entirely made-up, satirical story. Any resemblance to your own Tuesday is purely coincidental, though probably accurate.

In a feat of athletic endurance that fitness experts are calling technically a thing that happened, fictional local man Darren Pluffet completed three full crunches on his living room carpet Monday evening before announcing to no one in particular that he had, and we quote, cooked.

Witnesses, consisting of one deeply unimpressed cat, report that the workout began with tremendous ceremony. Darren changed into athletic shorts, filled a water bottle the size of a fire extinguisher, and spent eleven minutes choosing a high-energy playlist. He then stretched for twenty minutes, mostly by reaching for the TV remote and reconsidering his life choices.

At precisely 7:43 p.m., the first crunch occurred. Sources describe it as powerful, determined, and accompanied by a noise usually reserved for lifting a refrigerator. The second crunch followed shortly after, somewhat slower, as Darren appeared to briefly contemplate the ceiling fan and whether it needed dusting. The third crunch was less of a crunch and more of a polite nod toward his own knees.

Then came the historic moment. Darren lay flat, spread his arms like a snow angel who had given up, and declared the session complete.

I think the important thing is consistency, he told the cat. Three today, three tomorrow. By the end of the year, that is over a thousand crunches. Basically a six-pack. Maybe a four-pack. A respectable two-pack at minimum.

The cat reportedly blinked once, which Darren interpreted as a standing ovation.

Fitness professionals, who we also made up, were divided on the achievement. One imaginary personal trainer praised the effort, noting that three crunches is infinitely more than zero crunches, mathematically speaking. Another suggested that the water bottle alone had burned more calories when Darren carried it from the kitchen.

Following the workout, Darren rewarded himself with a well-earned recovery snack: half a sleeve of cookies, which he described as protein-adjacent. He then posted a sweaty-looking selfie online with the caption Grind never stops, having achieved the sweat by standing too close to the oven while the cookies warmed.

At press time, Darren had begun researching expensive home gym equipment, fancy supplements, and a smartwatch capable of tracking his three crunches with scientific precision. He has also scheduled tomorrow's workout, which he says will be twice as intense: three crunches and one very enthusiastic jumping jack.

Asked whether he feared burnout, Darren shook his head confidently, winced, and admitted he had pulled something during the second crunch. He is expected to make a full recovery by Thursday, just in time to skip leg day.

Inspired by 3 crunches and let's call it a day.