Man Answers Every Question With Total Accuracy, Leaves Auto Parts Store Empty-Handed

A LaughParty comic take.

Comic fiction: the following events are entirely made up, much like my understanding of transmissions.

Gary Pemberton, 44, of the fictional town of Mildew Falls, walked into a neighborhood auto parts store on Tuesday with one simple goal. Three hours later, he walked out with a laminated certificate of participation, a free air freshener shaped like a pine tree, and absolutely zero car parts.

Trouble began at the counter, where a cheerful clerk named Denise asked the standard opening question: what vehicle was this for? Gary, a man who has never once been accused of overcomplicating anything, replied, “The one in the parking lot.”

Denise, a 19-year veteran of the parts counter, smiled the patient smile of someone who has seen things. “What year is it?” she asked.

Gary checked his phone. “Still this one.”

“And the make?”

“Mostly squeaking noises. Some rattling on Sundays.”

“The model?”

Gary thought hard. “Honestly? A solid six. Great personality, though.”

At this point, witnesses say Denise cracked her knuckles and entered what coworkers call Precision Mode, a rarely seen state in which she asks only questions that cannot possibly be misunderstood. She asked about engine size. Gary assured her it fit under the hood perfectly. She asked whether he needed parts for the front or the rear. Gary said both, ideally, since he likes it when the whole car stops at the same time.

By the second hour, a line had formed, but nobody seemed upset. A retiree holding a single windshield wiper offered to help. A teenager tried to look up Gary's license plate on his phone and accidentally ordered a pizza. A man buying motor oil took notes, explaining that he was writing a screenplay.

The store manager eventually emerged from the back carrying a laminated flowchart titled So You Don't Know What You Drive. It had been created in 2009 and never used, because until Tuesday, it had been considered purely theoretical.

Gary made it through the flowchart in record time, mostly because he answered “yes” to every box, including the ones that just said “Start Here” and “Good Job.”

Finally, Denise did the unthinkable. She walked outside, looked at the car, and found the information she needed in about eleven seconds. The crowd applauded. The motor oil screenwriter wept openly.

Sadly, the part was not in stock and had to be ordered. Denise told Gary it would arrive Thursday.

“What time Thursday?” Gary asked.

Denise looked him dead in the eye. “Daytime.”

Gary nodded slowly, deeply respecting a worthy opponent. “Fair.”

Mechanics recommend that drivers know the year, make and model of their vehicle before visiting any parts store. Or, at the very least, park somewhere Denise can see it.

Inspired by Brake pads.