Jokes

The Broken Spacebar

A friend texts: 'myspacebarisnotworking.canyougivemeanalte rnative?'

Extinct Flexibility

Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes?

Seasonal Flirtation

Is your name Summer?

Pouch Potato

[2 years after going missing at the zoo] Wife: [points at TV] "OMG, that's him!"

Shaky Arguments

Why are double amputees always wrong?

Tactile Humor

In awkward situations I'll sometimes break out my braille version of Calvin and Hobbes.

The Twelve-Year Slip

I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because...

Geese Theater

What's the difference between a murder and Hamlet performed by geese?

Feline Botany

The Tardy Ghost

Why was the ghost late to the halloween party?

Parenting Priorities

Just buckled a bottle of Tito's Vodka into the backseat of my car,

The Howling Dog

I told my dog to bark.

Too Hip to Wait

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Brewing Light

How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

Remote Control Priorities

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote

Mario & Luigi

Mario: Ey Luigi, whats this funny ol' image called.

Magical Incarceration

Where do magical animals go to jail?

Fitness Gear Fail

I bought a push up bra today...

Slug Life

Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does