Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirrel army.
My laptop told me it was really looking forward to autumn this year. I asked why, and it said it had been waiting all year for the perfect opportunity.
When you're young, your body just does things automatically, catch a falling object, jump over a puddle, sprint for the bus. It's incredible. Then somewhere around your late thirties, your body starts sending those same signals... but adds a tiny disclaimer at the end.
The office clock kept staying late, missing lunch, and skipping breaks. HR finally called it in for a meeting and asked why it was so stressed. The clock sighed and said it was completely overwhelmed.
Is there a doc in the house? *Dr Pepper rises* *searches man's pockets* Hey ur no doctor! *moustache falls off*
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