ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I asked a giraffe if he ever gets tired of being so tall. He said, 'Honestly, the height doesn't bother me at all.'
My wireless headphones are so loyal that they refuse to connect to my phone while I’m holding it, yet they have no problem pairing with my neighbor’s smart fridge three houses away.
Good news for your wallet and bad news for your backyard fantasies: this "Coleman 200FT Lazy River Pool System" is apparently available at Costco. ...
I asked my weather app what the chances of rain were today. It said 0%. I walked outside and immediately got soaked. When I opened the app to complain, it had already updated to say 'Light showers expected earlier today.'
Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
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