DOCTOR: You've suffered a brain injury. It's affected your hippocampus.
ME: What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again?
Everyone thinks the 'magic' at Disneyland happens in front of the castle at sunset.
My meteorologist friend explained that we no longer have Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter; instead, we have 'Pollination Panic,' 'Sweating Through My Shirt,' 'Pumpkin Spice Everything,' and 'Why Do I Live Where the Air Hurts My Face?'
My neighbor bought a high-tech garden gnome equipped with AI and motion sensors to keep the rabbits away. I asked him how it was working out, and he looked absolutely exhausted.
My new smart doorbell is so advanced that it sends a high-definition video alert to my phone every time a leaf blows across the porch, yet it somehow lacks the basic logic to realize I’m the one standing there in my underwear at 3:00 AM because I locked myself out.
I posted a photo of my lunch and got zero likes, so I deleted it immediately.
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