Goose Family Portrait Ruined by Ducks With Agents

A LaughParty comic take.

A LaughParty comic take. Everything below is invented, including the ducks' lawyer.

The Honkington family had planned their annual portrait for weeks. Mother Goose had groomed every feather. Father Goose had practiced his dignified neck angle, which he calls The Swan Impersonation. The six goslings had been bribed with a whole slice of bread, the gosling equivalent of a trip to a theme park.

The pond's photographer, a patient heron named Gerald, set up beside the cattails. He held a twig he swore was a camera, and nobody felt brave enough to question him. Gerald counted down from three. The geese held still. And then, from stage left, two mallards waddled into frame wearing expressions of pure, rehearsed innocence.

These were not random ducks. These were Dwayne and Bev, the most sought-after professional photobombers in the county. Their portfolio includes three weddings, a retirement party and a very confused man's selfie with a sandwich. They charge in crackers and accept payment only after the photo is ruined.

On take one, Dwayne stood directly behind Father Goose and slowly raised a wing like a pair of bunny ears. On take two, Bev floated past on her back, sunbathing, in what critics are calling a bold minimalist statement. By take five, the pair had recruited a turtle, who contributed nothing but committed fully to the role.

Father Goose tried to restore order the way geese always do, by hissing at everything in a fifty-foot radius, including a bench. Unfortunately, the photobombers saw the hiss as audience participation. Dwayne hissed back. Bev hissed harmonies. The turtle blinked, which in turtle culture is a standing ovation.

Gerald the heron, a consummate professional, kept shooting. He later explained that the best photography captures real emotion, and that nothing was more real than a gander's face as a duck sits on his head.

When the session ended, Mother Goose demanded to see the results. Gerald fanned out the imaginary prints. Every frame featured at least one mallard doing something unforgivable. In one, Dwayne appeared to be proposing to a gosling. In another, Bev was perfectly centered while the entire goose family sat blurry in the background, like extras in her biography.

Then something unexpected happened. Mother Goose laughed. It came out as a honk, but it was a laugh. The goslings started honking too. Father Goose held out for nearly four seconds before he cracked and honked so hard he fell off a log.

The family has since chosen the photo of Bev floating past as their official holiday card. It now hangs in a place of honor, which is to say it's wedged between two reeds near the nest.

Dwayne and Bev declined to comment, mostly because they are ducks. Their agent, a squirrel with a clipboard, confirmed they are booked solid through spring and are tentatively scheduled to ruin a family of swans next Tuesday.

Inspired by Goose Family Photoshoot Interrupted by Professional Photobombers..