Cat: Human, congratulations, I've chosen your face to sleep upon tonight.
If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My keyboard told me it was tired of being taken for granted and needed some space.
My son came home from school and said his principal called him into the office to tell him he would not have a very bright future ahead of him.
My son told me he finished all his homework in record time and his teacher said he was 'outstanding.' I asked him what subject it was.
I asked a giraffe if he ever gets tired of being so tall. He said, 'Honestly, the height doesn't bother me at all.'
New Coworker: So do you have any kids? Me: Yeah, one too many. New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?
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