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"It's not a colonoscopy, it's a colonoscpportunity!"
gastroenterologist who is also a motivational speaker
The Literal Recipe
When life hands you 2 Lemons 1 cup sugar 2 tbsp flour 3 tbsp cornstarch 1 cup water 2 tbsp butter 4 eggs 1 pie crust
We don't serve time travellers here
We don't serve time travellers here said the bartender. A time traveller walks into a bar.
The Weather App's Honest Review
I asked my weather app how accurate it was. It said, 'We're right about 50% of the time.' I said, 'That's terrible!' It said, 'Yeah, but that's still better than your uncle who checks the sky and says, '
Zombie Survival Strategy
I'd do well in a zombie apocalypse because I'm near sighted, get cramps if I don't get enough potassium
A Pirate's Steering Problem
A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel sticking out his crotch. 'Does that not hurt?' asks the bartender.
School Joke
Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?" Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
