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The Procrastinator's Resolution

My new year's resolution is to stop procrastinating.

The Mallard's Tab

Duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some lip balm. "Certainly sir, will that be cash or credit?"

Condiment Confusion

For those who don't speak Spanish:

The Long Game

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?

The High Stakes Laundry Negotiation

My wife asked why I was standing in the laundry room staring intensely at my favorite sweater for ten minutes without moving.

A Terminal Case of Confusion

I hate traveling. My wife asked me to book a flight that was 'truly unforgettable.' I managed to find a ticket with a twelve-hour layover in a tiny airport that only has one vending machine and a broken rocking chair.

Botox and humps: 20 camels disqualified from beauty pageant for cosmetic surgery scandal

Forget the influencers on Instagram filters or the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The true drama of the cosmetic surgery world has officially moved ...

Tied Up in Knots

Why were the sneakers so sad?

Law and Order: Blonde Edition

What do you call a policeman with blonde hair?

The Wandering Nun

What do you call a nun sleep walking?

A Chilly Lineage

If Frieza is King Cold's son...

The Magician vs The Lobbyist

What's the difference between David Blaine and the NRA?

Obvious Clarifications

Amy Winehouse's final album was "recorded before her death."

The Digital Prank

How do you troll someone?

Digital Degree

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix,

A Bird's Day in Court

Where do you find a murder of crows?

The Chuck Norris Standard

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Romantic Illumination

Why did the lights go out?