Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that? Me: No. Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin* Me: Nah.
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Good news for your wallet and bad news for your backyard fantasies: this "Coleman 200FT Lazy River Pool System" is apparently available at Costco. ...
I asked my weather app what the chances of rain were today. It said 0%. I walked outside and immediately got soaked. When I opened the app to complain, it had already updated to say 'Light showers expected earlier today.'
I told my friend I had 10,000 followers and he was really impressed. He asked if I was famous on Instagram or TikTok.
I tried to take life lessons from a penguin. They're always dressed for success, they never skip leg day, and they somehow thrive in the coldest conditions. I figured if anyone could teach me how to pull myself together, it was them.
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