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The High-Five Rejection

Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but...

Time Management

Flavor Flav turns 51 today.

The Dating Round-Up

I was on a date. "How many ladies have you slept with?" she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10?" She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..."

The Ghoulscorer

Who plays center forward for the vampire football team?

The Muffin Ratio

I think the problem is that I'm 20% stud

The Amphibian Bartender

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur

Culinary Correction

It's macaroni and cheese

Target Practice

My ex-wife still misses me...

The Alarm Clock

My relationship with my alarm clock is complicated.

A Grave Situation

What did one sick casket say to the other sick casket?

RSVP Regrets

My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition

The Force of Giving

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?

Dubstep Dining

What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers?

The Sibling Paradox

Mom: "Do you want this?" Me: "No." Mom: "Ok I'll give it to your brother."

The Oasis Dilemma

My Wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall...

The Universal Voice

We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies...

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive...

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive...

Canadian Spelling Bee

How do you spell Canada?

The Sweet Suite

Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.

Space Shuttle Oversight

Two space shuttle crews watched Felix Baumgartner and thought:

The Broke Mama

Yo mama is so poor,