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A Smooth Operator

I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator.

The Stationary Swing

Describing a chair:

The Dictionary Thief

Someone stole my thesaurus. I have no words for how angry I am.

A Noodle Prayer

Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat.

Shocking Kitchen Advice

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife?

Apologies your honor

[slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat]

Small Business Advice

If you want to set up and run a small company...

My Wife made me choose between her, and my Love of Pointing out Doors

"If you want to leave" I told her,

Poaching Problems

My niece was fired from the chicken farm today

Patriotic Sneeze

What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed?

The GPS Argument

My GPS and I got into an argument. I said "I know a shortcut." She said "Recalculating."

Mathematical Pastry

How do you tell the circumference of a pecan

The Honest President

Who was the only president that was not guilty?

Hardware Issues

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Tech Support Issues

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me.

The Broken Pencil

I was going to tell you a joke about a broken pencil.

The Adobe Friend

"Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ."

The Grilled Defense

What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'?

Habitual Quitter

Quitting smoking is really easy.

The Leg Length Requirement

Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long?

A Nutty Crime

In the news, two nuts walked through Central Park today...